Flying pokemon master ([info]birdboy2000) wrote,
@ 2008-09-13 12:11:00
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Two steps forward, one step back.


I...

I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life trying to replace someone irreplaceable.

I desperately need a memory wipe, but those don't actually exist, and of course, no one ever forgets their first love. I despise her now for how she treated me, but that doesn't make me any less broken.

I couldn't get through Nadesico last night. Freaking Nadesico. I skipped half of the fourth episode because I just couldn't take Yukari's interactions with Akito. There are plenty of series I can still fanboy, sure, and a lot left to watch, but... being so completely unable to deal with the subject of romance makes it quite annoying to be an otaku. (And I can't really be anything else. Because anime is really all I have, and nothing else comes close to interesting me as much or being as much fun - not academia, not literature, and certainly not socializing with normal types.)

Nothing works. I spend time with friends and I just wonder what it'd be like if she were there, if she had met them. I distract myself as best I can, but when my distractions are gone, when I get the slightest bit bored, I fall back into sadness - if the distraction itself doesn't open a new wound. I take happy pills and they never quite make me okay. I wait and wait and find myself in agony, breaking down in my classes and trying to hide my tears.

I don't know what to do. I need a way out of this sadness, and I want to think it'd go away if I find someone, but really? I'm a ronery otaku of average appearance and a miserable personality, and even if I feign confidence and hide aspects of myself in the hopes someone would fall for me, anyone who could even compare to her is taken or disinterested - if such people even exist. It's possible (if unlikely, especially as I am now) that I find a relationship, but... there's only one person in the world who can possibly heal me, and that person wouldn't even if I waited a hundred years.

How the heck am I supposed to recover? I don't want to die... x.x


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[info]taintdtwilight
2008-09-14 02:12 am UTC (link)
I know it sounds like you'll never recover, but you will. There are plenty of things that you loved about her, sure, but you've got to keep in mind the things that you disliked about her too. And that includes if she decieved you in any way. You don't want that. And when you'll think about that more, then the more you'll realize that you deserve better. You just have to have more confidence in yourself. Show others that you're deserving of their attention if you want to find someone out there for you.

And better for you. If she really loved you, then she wouldn't be putting you through so much heart ache like this. You don't deserve that. =/ And the more you realize alot of the pain she caused, sometime eventually, you might start to realize that she really isn't worth it -she's not worth crying over.

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[info]birdboy2000
2008-09-14 07:18 pm UTC (link)
(It would be easier if there *were* things I disliked about her. I try and try to come up with them, but there seriously isn't much...)

I want to believe in your words. x.x

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[info]hoyvinglavin64
2008-09-14 12:56 pm UTC (link)
My play will make you feel better, if in a schadenfreude sense. So you broke up? That's nothing compared to being forced to kill your ex and then when she joins your side you have to kill yourself in order to restore balance to the universe.

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[info]birdboy2000
2008-09-14 03:47 pm UTC (link)
Ru-kun... I've seen plenty of anime with much worse things than what I've gone through. I'm watching NaT, HaT! But... it never makes me feel better.

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[info]lyarrah
2008-09-14 05:39 pm UTC (link)
I still remember my first love. I lost touch with him for seven years, and when I found him again, he barely remembered who I was (even though I was still in love with him). The next guy I fell in love with, I had to leave four years ago because it became very clear that a life with him would be a life where nothing ever got done unless I did it. four years later, we're still close friends and I'm the godmother for his child. And still I've managed to fall in love with someone else, and be happy with him. Life lets us move on, though it might be painful for a while. The average marraige age in this country is nearly 27, and higher than that for men - that means you've got a nice, big window of opportunity still open to find someone (Hell, my uncle got married, finally, at 38).

And having gone to a con just yesterday, I can assure you that average-looking otaku get PLENTY of action.

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[info]birdboy2000
2008-09-14 07:13 pm UTC (link)
I must be below-average, then. x.x

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[info]lyarrah
2008-09-14 08:03 pm UTC (link)
:P Or just trying too hard, or something like that.

We women can sense a lack of confidence in men. We can also smell fear of commitment, desperation, and when the last time you bathed was.

The internet is still the best place to find love, though. Not those crazy dating sites, just actual friends on communities.

Some woman even find a man with a broken heart to be a turn-on; it means they have a chance to fix it, and it also means the guy actually has emotions, which is rarer than I'd like.

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[info]birdboy2000
2008-09-14 08:14 pm UTC (link)
The problem with looking for love online is that you generally find people who are way too far away, and I do not want to deal with that again.

(That, and I'm having more fun on /a/, which is anonymous, than on any boards where people have names and stuff.)

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[info]lyarrah
2008-09-14 08:31 pm UTC (link)
Far away is a pain, but it's not as bad as you might think.

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[info]birdboy2000
2008-09-14 08:43 pm UTC (link)
Umm... I know exactly how bad it is. I was happy, but at the same time... I really, really don't want to be typing *hug* and cursing the distance and having things fall apart before we're together offline ever again.

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[info]lyarrah
2008-09-15 12:17 am UTC (link)
:/ I've survived eight years in long distance relationships where I get to see them, at best, a month out of the year, and that's only a recent luxury. Yeah, they're not great, but like all things in life, the distance is temporary.

Not saying you have to have one, just saying, in my experience, there's no better way to find people who share your interests.

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[info]taintdtwilight
2008-09-14 11:03 pm UTC (link)
Online romance isn't always the best thing, but at least those who try it are trying to be open-minded in a sense. Perhaps you could at least try finding someone in the New England area. It's not as bad as, say, Florida or Hawaii. ^_^;;;; That way, you have a chance at seeing each other -just not every day, or week. But I think it's better that way as oppossed to seeing them just about every day.


(Btw, If you really cant think of things you disliked about her, then think of the negatives. Like any hurtful things she said to you, or things you might have disagreed on. Depending on how important those beliefs are/were to you, you'll notice maybe why not being with her is for the better).

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[info]birdboy2000
2008-09-15 02:02 am UTC (link)
Yeah, but... how to find? That's the problem. If it's through general online communities, they tend to be international, and the odds of just finding someone single nearby (let alone interesting and interested) are fairly low.

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