Some digimon fanboy (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} birdboy2000) wrote,@ 2008-04-26 01:07:00 |
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Long train rides offer a good deal of room for introspection, as do those moments in anime when nothing much has gone on in the scene and your reading speed exceeds that of the subtitles. I have realized much about myself, and perhaps have a good deal to say... but does knowing more about such a wretched person, or a bunch of tl;dr about either the terrifying thought of being wholly delusional, thinking I'm some early 21st century otaku(does a madman know he's mad? And if not, what happens when he somehow finds out?) the inferiority of "literature" to sci-fi, fantasy, and even manga in all regards hold anyone's interest?
This might not, either. And it is, ultimately, far more weak and pathetic. Perhaps it is simply that I am not ruled by reason... after all, I still cling to only the bare minimum of reality necessary to function as a human being, and I fear that I have surpassed even that minimum.
Unless something strange were to happen which contradicts my reading of the entirety of 2008, or a person of the sort whose greatness and determination alike can only exist in anime suddenly falls for me, neither of which are possible, I will not love again. (And yes, barring immortality or being raped, this means dying a virgin - though this would've been the case anyway, and what tiny value I place on it is merely to avoid sadness when fapping. Once, I wanted to separate myself permanently from the ronery, cynical masses far too common in fandom... but really, I'm one of them, so what's the point?) There are reasons for this; as a person raised on shoujo, I lack interest in the transient, weak things which pass for "love" among most people these days, and after all this I can't open my heart to anyone - maybe not even after three or four years. I suppose I will, in time, develop a deep cynicism about the whole thing. Although I have at times been capable of awwing without tears, it will take a great deal for me to click a fluff fic as I am now - as I will remain - and I don't see myself writing any romantic one-shots from here on in.
Osamu Tezuka's Phoenix is amazing, and watching it drove away all the sorrow I had accumulated on the train and more. Although I cried sometimes, it was generally at opportune moments - other painful reminders saw me successfully(if barely) hold back tears. As the world was ending, thoughts of "I want to live" and stuff came over me, despite the entire freaking message of the story. (I've got to comb through at least some of Tezuka's better works before dying. Truly a god of manga... this anime club, at the moment, is my reason to live.)
Then... Ergo Proxy. Didn't like much to begin with, missed too many episodes. Skipped, went to MIT arcade. Hung out with friend, had fun, computer was on(there is so much to play/show people) but I was reluctant to check my e-mail, having said so many sad things which, although genuine, felt unjustified in my state at the time.
Friendship is certainly valuable. (OTOH, there's always the internet... and it's not like I haven't given serious thought to fleeing the region or even the country. Though maybe all I need is to be closer... I dunno. I befriend otaku relatively easily, I think... but maybe not?)
Kyo Kara Maoh. Cute, fun shounen-ai. Early on the "ai" part of that brought deep pain, but as it went on I felt like a total yaoi fangirl and was following the story with happiness - at the time, I felt like I could even watch FuYu, Miaka/Tamahome scenes and all.
Am I getting stronger? Maybe.
I thought I was - but, like the chosen on the beach against Scorpiomon, I realized I was as weak as ever. (So what do I need to find? I have no one to work together with and the crest of hope is not even a good thing in this world.) Returning to my room and my computer and my inbox and my AIM window brought back all the old despair, and what minimal strength I gain will only equal what I had in the first place... sure, I understand love now, but it's not like I'll be a better writer for it, 'cause I've gained so many emotional blocks in the process.
x.x
