Some digimon fanboy (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} birdboy2000) wrote,@ 2008-03-31 22:07:00 |
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Broken.
I should be over this. My suffering is nothing compared to the horrors of the world, and probably a good deal less than what my friends go through.
No one close to me has died. I have never gone hungry or lost a limb - indeed, I have not lacked for food or shelter or anime or internet in many years. What work I do is, ultimately, an unfairly minute amount, even when I fail at just doing that. (College student, and RWU isn't the hardest in the world. Parents paying for it. Four classes, no job. Still get everything done at the last minute.)
Perhaps I am too self-absorbed to care about the horrors of the world. Perhaps(and this is my inclination on more pleasant days) I have grown desensitized, realized I have very little power to change even the changable, and concluded I can not sadden myself on every tragedy(for their are far, far too many) so I focus my energy on living. I have the sense this insensitivity is what pushed(is pushing?) her away without me realizing it, and I hate myself for it.
I loathe myself for every way I have alienated her without realizing it. Including, quite possibly, this entry. And this sadness. I don't think it's in terms of who I am, 'cause I really don't think I've changed much internally... but at the same time, there's something dreadfully wrong with how I'm expressing myself, to her if not to the world at large. I'm not trying to be arrogant, I thought I had online communication down perfectly.
I need an editor. Fuck.
I'm mindlessly curious as to whether she is reading or will read this. She hasn't commented here in ages, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's missed a single entry.
If not for lj, we wouldn't have been together in the first place.
Nonetheless, I am... "sad" is an understatement. Sad is what I get after watching Saikano or the Wormmon episodes. It hangs over me a little, but ultimately fades, never dominates.
It's more "my heart races at least three times a day(among my endless refreshes) when I wait for my e-mail to load, only to find no new messages." Or perhaps "I can no longer endure seeing expressions of genuine love without being plunged into despair." (There is one exception to this. Kenshin/Kaoru. Not 'cause of my initial metaphor, but because he's emotionally damaged, and Kaoru is genuinely his second love - and it's a powerful, healing love.) I sulk for hours a day. My mind defaults to her, so I'm afraid to be alone in my thoughts. I realize now that "don't fall in love with her, she'll only make you cry" applies to people as much as it does persocoms, albeit in different ways. (Of course, we have no examples of lasting human/persocom love either.) I'm suddenly reminded of it and sulk for an hour or longer.
I think "obsession" might ultimately be the right word. I have an enormously obsessive personality. But I don't think so. Love is... undeniably ubiquitous. Romance is one of the main categories for fiction, and with fanfic it's a thousand times worse. But even if you interact with real people, they talk about it. They express it. Developing a complex about thunderstorms or one of her fandoms is survivable. Developing one about love... isn't. It won't make me kill myself, but it will leave me even more of an emotional wreck than I was before this.
As of her most recent comment on the matter, she still claims to love me. She speaks of alienation, she has distanced herself. I have questioned this to myself and come up with different answers. She's certainly going through a tough time. I don't know to what degree I impact this, and in what way - regardless, she has rejecting my offers for help.
She has her reasons. Valid ones. Could I endure what she had? I don't know. Even ignoring the longing, there's still feelings fading and all to think about, and that can't really be avoided.
Despite this, the path she's taking seems wrong to me. Completely wrong. I tried only briefly to convince her, but further words won't do it either. If it gave trouble, so what, we'd endure. Our love... I pictured a red string of fate binding us, something happy, wholesome, destined. (Takariesque? Except, y'know, actually good. XP) Part of me hopes that she will realize she's making a mistake, that staying away from me won't do a thing to decrease the longing or otherwise help, and then she'll apologize tearfully and I'll hug her closely and somehow we'll find happiness together without any of the earlier problems. Part of me feels awful because that involves wishing for her sadness.
But I'm just projecting my weakness onto her. If she's suffering over continued feelings for me, she'll endure. She's determined. She thinks, for whatever reason(maybe a correct one) that she's going down the right road.
In those days I visited her, did I ruin everything? She told me she was fine, and I saw no reason to doubt her, but she faded so quickly after that. I have half a mind to yell tearfully at her "you should of said something!" and stuff, and the other half thinks(realized) my offline self is truly unlovable.
But really? I'm an asocial otaku, and not a particularly lovable, amazing, or attractive one. Also, I've never had the courage to confess to anyone, or even ask them out. My destiny isn't even one love, let alone two. It's zero, despite her earlier efforts to change that. The best I see for me is to complain to and fall into the arms of another person, speaking empty words while longing constantly for her and trying to forget.
I understand her frustration with how I've been lately, and hate myself more than usual... although I didn't love myself from the start.
I loved her, though. Still do. If she becomes a person I can no longer love, I will merely love the her of the past. And I mean I genuinely loved her - not just obsess over her and my own weakness while paying insufficient concern to her own happiness, the way I'm doing now. Yet... those feelings return, whenever I'm strong enough to think of her without thinking of my own sadness. And not the way most people do, when they say "I love you" and use one another for affection/support/sex but fear becoming closer and easily move on. Or maybe I'm just projecting upon the masses and they endure far more than I realize. There was one person I mentioned her to, back in happier times, who was all "wow, you really do love her" when I mentioned it - the online affection, the seeing her only every six months at best, etc.
I want to send her an e-mail asking her to express her current feelings for me, whatever they are. Tomorrow, however, is a day when nothing can be taken seriously. Ordinarily I celebrate the hoaxes, but now it will only mean that I must doubt any statement she makes as a joke.
Not that I'll get an answer tomorrow.
I want to wait between e-mails. Take the four or five days she'd spend to respond without me poking her, or maybe the three weeks or eternity. Be less pathetic, less annoying. Save it for times she can handle them and times when they won't frustrate. That's partially why this is behind an lj-cut, instead of equal parts unstated and sent to her. But I can barely endure 24 hours, even though I know her answer will probably be as positive as negative The last message I received from her, unless I'm forgetting something, contained an embrace, an exhortation not to commit suicide, and a warning about unwarranted sympathy.
I pondered it for a while. The last time she thought I was suicidal(I wasn't!) I received a phone call. Was it less because she cared less, because she wasn't prepared to do anything more than hug me to save my life? (or was it just 'cause I'm not a phone person and a hug would've been moar valuable anyway?) Did she want me to live so that I would live, or merely so that she wouldn't blame herself for my death? Did her warning mean After pondering this, in a moment of sadness, I wrote another long, depressed/emo/sad(take your pick) screed like this, asking her to erase my memories. In a moment of strength, I told her not to let the guilt overwhelm her and that, despite my sadness and the fact that it was often the only thing my messages could create, guilt was NOT what I wanted to provoke.
And yet there's so little point. If she was just going to be all "I love you, hang in there, I'm going through hard times but still doing my best for your happiness" and give a sudden proof of her feelings, she would've done so by now. (Okay, maybe earlier she thought it'd be wrong, or that if she didn't I'd somehow be strengthened, but surely she knows better by now. Of course, she may have reasons other than "my feelings for you are a tiny remnant of what they once were and the only reason I want you to be happy is to get rid of my guilt" but I don't entirely grasp them or have forgotten them in my constantly dwelling on this. ) It's conversation, but as often new sadness as it relief.
Yet I still can't avoid refreshing incessantly, let alone answering with messages ten times as long as the reply, and her simply ignoring them would NOT be good for me.
Both sentiments remain. Neither have been answered. Will they be? I've long given her a backlog. It's been a while, but she has her life. I can't go on - I can barely get through my schoolwork, I have half a mind to go hikki if it were possible - but I can't die, and I've had moments of genuine happiness which had nothing to do with her since then.
I just don't know what to do anymore. x.x
I should be over this. My suffering is nothing compared to the horrors of the world, and probably a good deal less than what my friends go through.
No one close to me has died. I have never gone hungry or lost a limb - indeed, I have not lacked for food or shelter or anime or internet in many years. What work I do is, ultimately, an unfairly minute amount, even when I fail at just doing that. (College student, and RWU isn't the hardest in the world. Parents paying for it. Four classes, no job. Still get everything done at the last minute.)
Perhaps I am too self-absorbed to care about the horrors of the world. Perhaps(and this is my inclination on more pleasant days) I have grown desensitized, realized I have very little power to change even the changable, and concluded I can not sadden myself on every tragedy(for their are far, far too many) so I focus my energy on living. I have the sense this insensitivity is what pushed(is pushing?) her away without me realizing it, and I hate myself for it.
I loathe myself for every way I have alienated her without realizing it. Including, quite possibly, this entry. And this sadness. I don't think it's in terms of who I am, 'cause I really don't think I've changed much internally... but at the same time, there's something dreadfully wrong with how I'm expressing myself, to her if not to the world at large. I'm not trying to be arrogant, I thought I had online communication down perfectly.
I need an editor. Fuck.
I'm mindlessly curious as to whether she is reading or will read this. She hasn't commented here in ages, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's missed a single entry.
If not for lj, we wouldn't have been together in the first place.
Nonetheless, I am... "sad" is an understatement. Sad is what I get after watching Saikano or the Wormmon episodes. It hangs over me a little, but ultimately fades, never dominates.
It's more "my heart races at least three times a day(among my endless refreshes) when I wait for my e-mail to load, only to find no new messages." Or perhaps "I can no longer endure seeing expressions of genuine love without being plunged into despair." (There is one exception to this. Kenshin/Kaoru. Not 'cause of my initial metaphor, but because he's emotionally damaged, and Kaoru is genuinely his second love - and it's a powerful, healing love.) I sulk for hours a day. My mind defaults to her, so I'm afraid to be alone in my thoughts. I realize now that "don't fall in love with her, she'll only make you cry" applies to people as much as it does persocoms, albeit in different ways. (Of course, we have no examples of lasting human/persocom love either.) I'm suddenly reminded of it and sulk for an hour or longer.
I think "obsession" might ultimately be the right word. I have an enormously obsessive personality. But I don't think so. Love is... undeniably ubiquitous. Romance is one of the main categories for fiction, and with fanfic it's a thousand times worse. But even if you interact with real people, they talk about it. They express it. Developing a complex about thunderstorms or one of her fandoms is survivable. Developing one about love... isn't. It won't make me kill myself, but it will leave me even more of an emotional wreck than I was before this.
As of her most recent comment on the matter, she still claims to love me. She speaks of alienation, she has distanced herself. I have questioned this to myself and come up with different answers. She's certainly going through a tough time. I don't know to what degree I impact this, and in what way - regardless, she has rejecting my offers for help.
She has her reasons. Valid ones. Could I endure what she had? I don't know. Even ignoring the longing, there's still feelings fading and all to think about, and that can't really be avoided.
Despite this, the path she's taking seems wrong to me. Completely wrong. I tried only briefly to convince her, but further words won't do it either. If it gave trouble, so what, we'd endure. Our love... I pictured a red string of fate binding us, something happy, wholesome, destined. (Takariesque? Except, y'know, actually good. XP) Part of me hopes that she will realize she's making a mistake, that staying away from me won't do a thing to decrease the longing or otherwise help, and then she'll apologize tearfully and I'll hug her closely and somehow we'll find happiness together without any of the earlier problems. Part of me feels awful because that involves wishing for her sadness.
But I'm just projecting my weakness onto her. If she's suffering over continued feelings for me, she'll endure. She's determined. She thinks, for whatever reason(maybe a correct one) that she's going down the right road.
In those days I visited her, did I ruin everything? She told me she was fine, and I saw no reason to doubt her, but she faded so quickly after that. I have half a mind to yell tearfully at her "you should of said something!" and stuff, and the other half thinks(realized) my offline self is truly unlovable.
But really? I'm an asocial otaku, and not a particularly lovable, amazing, or attractive one. Also, I've never had the courage to confess to anyone, or even ask them out. My destiny isn't even one love, let alone two. It's zero, despite her earlier efforts to change that. The best I see for me is to complain to and fall into the arms of another person, speaking empty words while longing constantly for her and trying to forget.
I understand her frustration with how I've been lately, and hate myself more than usual... although I didn't love myself from the start.
I loved her, though. Still do. If she becomes a person I can no longer love, I will merely love the her of the past. And I mean I genuinely loved her - not just obsess over her and my own weakness while paying insufficient concern to her own happiness, the way I'm doing now. Yet... those feelings return, whenever I'm strong enough to think of her without thinking of my own sadness. And not the way most people do, when they say "I love you" and use one another for affection/support/sex but fear becoming closer and easily move on. Or maybe I'm just projecting upon the masses and they endure far more than I realize. There was one person I mentioned her to, back in happier times, who was all "wow, you really do love her" when I mentioned it - the online affection, the seeing her only every six months at best, etc.
I want to send her an e-mail asking her to express her current feelings for me, whatever they are. Tomorrow, however, is a day when nothing can be taken seriously. Ordinarily I celebrate the hoaxes, but now it will only mean that I must doubt any statement she makes as a joke.
Not that I'll get an answer tomorrow.
I want to wait between e-mails. Take the four or five days she'd spend to respond without me poking her, or maybe the three weeks or eternity. Be less pathetic, less annoying. Save it for times she can handle them and times when they won't frustrate. That's partially why this is behind an lj-cut, instead of equal parts unstated and sent to her. But I can barely endure 24 hours, even though I know her answer will probably be as positive as negative The last message I received from her, unless I'm forgetting something, contained an embrace, an exhortation not to commit suicide, and a warning about unwarranted sympathy.
I pondered it for a while. The last time she thought I was suicidal(I wasn't!) I received a phone call. Was it less because she cared less, because she wasn't prepared to do anything more than hug me to save my life? (or was it just 'cause I'm not a phone person and a hug would've been moar valuable anyway?) Did she want me to live so that I would live, or merely so that she wouldn't blame herself for my death? Did her warning mean After pondering this, in a moment of sadness, I wrote another long, depressed/emo/sad(take your pick) screed like this, asking her to erase my memories. In a moment of strength, I told her not to let the guilt overwhelm her and that, despite my sadness and the fact that it was often the only thing my messages could create, guilt was NOT what I wanted to provoke.
And yet there's so little point. If she was just going to be all "I love you, hang in there, I'm going through hard times but still doing my best for your happiness" and give a sudden proof of her feelings, she would've done so by now. (Okay, maybe earlier she thought it'd be wrong, or that if she didn't I'd somehow be strengthened, but surely she knows better by now. Of course, she may have reasons other than "my feelings for you are a tiny remnant of what they once were and the only reason I want you to be happy is to get rid of my guilt" but I don't entirely grasp them or have forgotten them in my constantly dwelling on this. ) It's conversation, but as often new sadness as it relief.
Yet I still can't avoid refreshing incessantly, let alone answering with messages ten times as long as the reply, and her simply ignoring them would NOT be good for me.
Both sentiments remain. Neither have been answered. Will they be? I've long given her a backlog. It's been a while, but she has her life. I can't go on - I can barely get through my schoolwork, I have half a mind to go hikki if it were possible - but I can't die, and I've had moments of genuine happiness which had nothing to do with her since then.
I just don't know what to do anymore. x.x
